Talk to the hand

My favorite time of year is Christmas. Well, no, it was. I remember as a little boy, sitting in my uncle’s place while my grandpa played the piano. Could he or anyone sing? I can’t remember but the atmosphere and food were great. Did they argue? Were their misunderstandings? I would assume there were knowing my mother, but I cannot remember one single fight.

We had tons of presents in the morning after. Usually our family went to my Dad’s parents place because they open gifts at midnight. Kids were not really welcome there. Try being a kid between 9pm and midnight at a place that did not want you. Still, I thought it was fun. In my youth we went to grandparents, uncles, and aunts houses every year. It’s the festive time.

Duh, I’m a little older now (53). Going to a family function is like pulling teeth. I also noticed that we were invited to a church function. I did not really want to go but I wanted to respect the pastors. Strangely enough, my wife asked if we could skip it. That surprised me. That meant something to me. She hates the family gatherings too. I’ll admit they are strained. Why? We just don’t fit in for some reason. Is it our fault? I honestly don’t know.

Recently, I am changing jobs. Better yet, I am changing area’s that I have been in for a long time. What has made me so excited is the chance to be alone. Sure, I can meet new friends, but really, I want to work alone. As a pastor and extrovert, why or how is that possible. I am a people person. God has taken me on a journey of troubled people. Over time, I have become stressed by bad, annoying, hurtful, and prideful people. Maybe I’m getting old. I just don’t want the drama anymore. Basically, I’m tired of people.

Exodus 32:10 “"Now then let Me alone, that My anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them; and I will make of you a great nation."

Even God wanted distance. He got tired of grumbling, sin, and an

awkward relationship. At other times he said he would turn his face away from them. Some people say God is distant. It’s not that. I think that God just loves good relationships. The bad ones tire him. Why do you think God went up a mountain? Why did Moses enter the desert? To get away from all the crap.

I have made a rule in my heart I hope I break. Over the last several years I have had enough. Yes, I am an extrovert. I do love people. yet, I need a reset. For about a year we did not attend church. Finally, we found one we could settle in for a time. They are small so we cannot hide. Smart patrick. They want to know us. Yet, I have made a rule.

The rule is this. Relationships are on a scale for me between 1-10. Even the wife is about a 7 or 8. Why not a 10? People don’t tell everything. We all have some distance. The wife and I have been through a people blender. I’m not sure we could stomach a 10 relationship. Then there is work and church. If I keep people at a 1 then this is what I get. They are nice. They are friendly. I like them a lot. I like who I think they are. We can talk about the weather and the Bible. It’s a great friendship. Is it just surface talk? Yes, it most absolutely is!

Here is the thing. If we venture down a few numbers to 5 let’s say. Well, then we open up. I might find that I don’t like them as much as I thought. They most certainly will find me odd. That might lead to mistrust, misunderstandings, and a missed friendship going south. My rule is to keep all my relationships at a 1. I know it’s too safe. I know there is no risk. Oh, yes, I know.

There will be a bunch of do good people who will try and open me up. They want a deeper relationship. I applaud them. I wish I could accommodate them. The trouble is me. People who get to know me like me. So, what’s wrong? It’s that I am also a talker. I am a out of the box thinker. Deeper down, people hate that about me. These days I am in protection of my heart mode. You get the hand saying just this far. You will go no further with me.

People were wonderful when I remember them playing the piano only. People are great when they teach me and I learn. Share a space in a class room. Share a space in a church. Just don’t ask me to share myself. I have little to nothing to give. I can come to a function or party. We can nod a head, smile, and talk about the weather. I will hug and praise you. After than that just put me back in the closet until next time. I’m fine with that for now.

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