Neurotic
I
am sure I’m borderline neurotic. So, what is that anyways? Well, it’s defined
as unbalanced, nervous, unstable, and many more. Thankfully it does not include
hallucinations. I love the term because it includes envy, and all the other 7
deadly sins. I know I’m a sinner, yet it’s not my profession (sorta). However,
I am a practicing patient.
I was married young and thought life
was horrible. Yet, I stuck it out for almost 12 years. I made sure that the
marriage was a tinderbox. I drummed in my car and that embarrassed her. I did
aerobics. Not totally a male thing. Worked midnights for 7 years. Imagine not
sleeping together much (divorce, duh). Told her over and over I was in the
marriage from hell. I am sure that helped. I envied others. Envied life. Yet, I
was happy, sad, mad, angry, depressed, and many more nice adjectives.
So, I join a church. Oh, the same
place I said neurotic people attended. They found a frozen, low self esteem man
standing in the rain. Hey Pat why not join a group? Oh, cool they love me. Then
one by one the married couples got a divorce. Even the leaders! Was I bad luck?
Then in ministry you get treated poorly. One by one the incidents happen.
During this is running in my head “your just not relationship material.” Thx Ex!
I leave the church. I return to the
church. I go to school to become a pastor. What kind of an Idiot would spend
40,000 on school BY an institution that sent me to counseling. By the way, the
councilor said I was fine. I sought out a second and third opinion. They all
agreed I was fine. Someone has to tell me what my parents, church, and Ex were
saying, right? Go figure, the church rejects me as a pastor. Because I’m
neurotic? Well no, it’s because I like people. Even sinners for heaven sakes.
That’s nuts!!
What does God have to say? Weirdly
enough, God likes me. I can even say still does. How do I know? Well I still
get calls from him to do good work. Calls? Not real ones silly. Remember the
neurotic don’t hallucinate. I just see needs for help. I kind of hear him say
go hear and give money there. You know, the neurotic stuff. There are many fool
proverbs. Mostly they apply to troublemakers. The trouble with trouble is who is
in trouble. Am I? Or, do people say I am. There is a difference. That’s why the
councilors said I was not the problem.
So, I get married again. She might
be as crazy as I am. Ah, the perfect match. Two soulmates. Oh, one other
definition of neurotic. Bouncing souls. Yeh, we get that a lot. We even had a church
panel say they loved our tenacity. Our desire for God. Our ability to overcome
tragedy and adversity. Yet, for some reason they said we were not able to
overcome them. The church plant panel said no. They were looking for more along
the line of sane out of the box thinkers. Oh, right the ones not like Jesus and
his disciples. Too reckless. What kind of a church wants bouncy souls? Nun!
At work they can’t understand why a
52-year-old dude loves Taylor Swift? I’m a Swiftie so sue me. I like reading.
Man, some people find that odd. I love God and they find that odd too. I like
comic expo’s and that’s just weird. I have never even read a comic ever. Yeesh,
even the nerds think I’m weird. I know my dad is uncomfortable around me. What
to do, acceptable son or be myself?
At family dinners I make it a point
to dress just off a little. It makes them uncomfortable. My fault? Sure, but
it’s fun. The neurotic like that. Having a Swift music day at work pushes
buttons. Having a Jesus day does that too. Inviting non-white children to
church causes trouble if their poor. Poor parents don’t give like rich ones do.
Actually, being a postman at church that loves outreach evangelism is not that
welcome either. Don’t invite the sinners to church. It causes trouble for the
holy.
So, what to do with a neurotic mind?
I love jokes. I love all types of music. I read plenty of different books. I
struggle with sin. I don’t struggle with God. I wonder if he struggles with
me. I know his children do. How do I get
tickets into Taylor Swifts snake pit without looking weird or creepy (52 male)?
Can I just be neurotic bouncy soul me? It remains to be seen.
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