Perfect you first

I was talking to a single guy yesterday about finding a mate. He asked the question “is it better to be active and look or just wait.” That just might be the million-dollar question. I am not the expert on being single. Most of my life has been with someone. However, I was single in mid-life for almost five years. To be married and then thrust into the single scene threw me for a loop. It has given me insight into the life of the single person.

            It’s all about you. That seems so arrogant or selfish. Isn’t it more holy and kind to think of others first? Yes, I suppose it is, but there is a growing belief in me that what we think is right could actually be detrimental to our lives. When you have, someone say they don’t love you, it hurts. What it also does is leave you alone on an island. Some say we will surround ourselves with friends during that time. There is a time for that, but it’s really an opportunity to find yourself on your island.

            Do you need a pilot or doctor that just wanted a job? The movie Sully is based on a pilot who was a dedicated pilot. In a time of need, people on a doomed airplane needed Sully to be a pilot. He landed the plane on the Hudson river in an emergency. Dedication to being a pilot saved all on board. Dedication to finding and knowing yourself will save your flight in life too. So often we think that a nice ass or handsome face will be a great mate. How could that go wrong, their gorgeous. Yet, in the single life, often times it does go badly.

            I started a singles group in my city. We grew to a point, but in time it died. Why? We could say bad leadership, but it grew. I found it was the inability of people to try new things. To be open to change. Also, to be open to growth. People said this is who they are and that is it. The problem was that many people live lives thinking they are only one or two things. My goodness people, we are a complicated organism. We are way more than just two or three things.

            What does God have to say about singleness? I look at single and God this way. In church, I have heard pastors say that Paul says it’s better to be single. I have heard pastors say that God says to Adam it is not good for man to be alone. So, which is it? Again, so often, we default to two or three things. I suppose it’s human nature. We are more than single. We are more than married. Yet, time after time we pin ourselves into a very small box. God is telling us in his word that single has advantages. He is equally saying that to have a mate has advantages. That is why God called the mate a helper.

            So, we need a helper? Sure, but we need ourselves first. If you noticed, God brought many animals to occupy Adam first. So often I hear that man still felt lonely and needed a wife. They look at it all wrong. God helped Adam choose a mate. What happened is that Adam began to see and know what he wanted. Animals did not cut it. It’s not the animal’s half as much as Adam beginning to know himself. It’s interesting that God says he knows our needs. Do you really think Eve was Adams opposite? I bet that God provided exactly what Adam needed or wanted. Based on Adam knowing what he wanted. The Animal experiment solidified that.

            So how does that answer the single question? Find yourself. Try new things. Get good at what your good at. Know yourself intimately. Take yourself to dinner. Go for long walks alone. Pray to God for 10 exact things you want in a mate and leave that search alone. Prefect the craft of you. Be the best you like Sully was the best pilot. Your potential mate will desire the best you. Remaking yourself in a marriage is a bad idea. Be ready.

            Finally, write down ten things that make you special. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how much you appreciate this person you see. When it’s time, a potential mate will see confidence in you. They will see you truly love yourself. It’s not conceit or arrogance. Although a little is a great thing. They say you must love yourself first. How can you love what you don’t know? How can you love others if you are unsure of yourself? If you were a pilot or doctor should be confident or unsure? There may come a time when a mate is looking at you as a potential partner. What do they see?

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